Team Fortress of Sky
by FruitfulMelonCauli
Summary: An alternate take on the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers games with the mercenaries from Team Fortress 2. Contains foul language and (mentioned) same-sex romance. Do not read if you are homophobic. Cover image coming later!
1. Chapter 1: Meet the Eevee

_**Team Fortress of Sky**_

 _Chapter 1: Meet the Eevee_

Author's Note: After five years of debating, I've finally decided to present Team Fortress of Sky in text format, as I have very little time on my hands with school, a webcomic, and an insurmountably large amount of procrastination as the catalyst. I thought it was a very fun concept from the start, and now I am able to present it after making up my mind! I also figured that I might upload this fanfic right now, as Explorers of Sky turns 10 this year and Team Fortress 2 turns 12!

* * *

"Incoming!"  
"Defend him, maggots!"  
Slash! Slash! Slash!  
"Aah! He slashed out my spine!"  
"Are... Are you guys okay?"  
"Nein! Don't let go!"  
"Just a little longer... Hold on..."  
"Yo, how much longer? I can't hold on all day, moron!"  
Slash! Slash! Slash!  
Nine screams of agony and pain were let out.

* * *

Nine Pokémon, a Pikachu, a Squirtle, a Cyndaquil, a Bulbasaur, a Phanpy, a Meowth, a Togetic, a Delibird, and a Riolu, lay out cold on the sand of a beach.  
The Pikachu had bandaged hands, which didn't seem to be covering any particular wounds, as well as a hat, a headset, and dogtags. The Riolu was covered from head to toe with his balaclava, his nice dress shoes, his gloves, and his expensive suit. The Delibird wore a fingerless glove, and had the hat of an Australian huntsman complete with yellow-tinted sunglasses.  
The Phanpy was fatter than most of his kind, and wore a pair of gloves and a bandolier. The Meowth had a hard hat, goggles, and a glove on his right hand, while the Bulbasaur had nothing but a beanie and an eyepatch, other than a little piece of paper with a smiley face on his underbelly. Lastly, the Squirtle wore absolutely nothing but a helmet covering his eyes.

* * *

Meanwhile, an Eevee named Eevee paced back and forth in front of a guild modeled after a Wigglytuff, pondering whether she wanted to join. After a bit of procrastination, she made her choice.  
"This is it. Today I'm going to be brave and join the guild. I can do it... I can do it..." Eevee said as she took a dramatic deep breath and stepped on the grate in front of her.  
"Pokemon detected! Pokemon detected!" called a squeaky voice, startling Eevee.  
"Whose footprint? Whose footprint?" chanted a loud voice.  
"It's Eevee's footprint, you numbskull!"  
"This guild is haunted! Well, at least it isn't a booby trap..."  
"Did she say _booby_ trap?" roared the loud voice.  
"Shut up!" hissed the squeaky voice as the discouraged Eevee backed away in defeat.  
"I can't do it..." she sighed to herself as she went down the steps of the plateau the guild rested on. "I told myself that I would join today, but no, I still don't have the courage... I could've sworn that holding on to my personal treasure would inspire me... Dammit... I'm nothing but a coward..."

* * *

Whenever Eevee felt down, she would always go down to the beach. She was absolutely marvelled by the Krabby blowing bubbles into the sky.  
"Wow, what a beautiful sight," she thought out loud. "Oh, it's so wonderful to see the Krabby at sundown blowing bubbles in this clear weather... How the bubbles reflect the setting sun off the waves... I wish everyone could see this... It's so nice here... Coming here heals my spirits..."  
Her thoughts were interrupted when the sight of nine Pokémon passed out nearby caught her notice.  
"What... What's going on over there?" she asked. She ran up to the pile of Pokémon. "Oh dear! Are you guys okay?"  
The Pokémon with the eyepatch, who was on top of the stack, fell onto Eevee, collapsing the pile. The Pikachu and the Squirtle were in each other's faces, fighting to get one off the other.  
"Get off me!" The Pikachu whined.  
"You get off me first, maggot!" The Squirtle barked as he kicked the Pikachu off him.  
"Whaur... Whaur ur weee? 'Ave I drank too much scrumpy?" the Bulbasaur slurred as he opened his only eye.  
"You're all awake! Thank goodness!" Eevee gasped. "You guys wouldn't move at all. I thought you all were roadkill!"  
"Whoa, okay, okay, how did you come to dat conclusion, moron?" asked the Pikachu.  
"I just found you guys laying there! How would I know? But since you're alive, how did you all end up unconscious?"  
The Pokémon stared at her before she continued.  
"Please don't stare like that. Anyway, my name's Eevee! Happy ta meet you all! Who are you guys? I don't think I ever saw any of you Pokémon around here..."  
"I'm a frickin' human! Who the hell do ya think you're talkin' to?" the Pikachu snapped as the giggling Cyndaquil gleefully chased a bubble.  
"Boy, this can't be right..." the Meowth mumbled as he contemplated his paws and tail.  
"What in the world?" asked the Delibird as he and the other eight, minus the Cyndaquil, looked at their reflections in the water. "I'm an owl! A Delibird!"  
"I was afraid this was going to happen," said the facepalming Riolu.  
"I have git tae be drunk!" exclaimed the Bulbasaur. "This cannae be! I git me four legs!"  
"I've turned into a sissified Squirtle!" yelled the Squirtle to everybody as his eyes popped out from under his helmet.  
"Look at you all! Now look at me! Heavy is tiny baby Phanpy!" complained the Phanpy, who was 1'08". For a comparison, the Squirtle and Cyndaquil were also 1'08", the Togetic was 2'00", the Bulbasaur and the Riolu were 2'04", and the Delibird was 2'11.  
"Hey, fatso, I'm smaller than you!" barked the Pikachu, who was 1'04". Funny enough, the Meowth was as small as him.  
In response to the Pikachu's comment, the Phanpy tackled him. The Pikachu began running out of fear, being an Electric type despite the Phanpy not knowing any Ground type moves.  
The Pyro's back suddenly lit up after it tripped on a rock, sending the Togetic into a state of panic.  
"I have got to find a cure for all zhis!" he cried. "Zhe gasmask's back is burning, and it's gonna die if I don't intervene!"  
"Umm... Isn't that normal for a Cyndaquil? You all look like normal Pokémon to me. That is, if you weren't so insane..." said the Eevee.  
"You have got to help us find a cure for zhis disease! Schnell!" the Togetic begged as he grabbed Eevee's mane.  
"Whoa, whoa! Can you guys at least introduce yourselves first?"  
"Oh, ja. I'm zhe Medic!"  
"I am Heavy Weapons Guy! Call me Heavy!" the fat Phanpy boomed.  
"Soldier, reporting for duty!" the Squirtle gritted.  
"Demoman, ur Demo, any of them be good!" the Bulbasaur said.  
The Cyndaquil mumbled something incomprehensible, but Eevee could make out that he was the Pyro.  
"The name's Sniper, mate!" said the Delibird as he waved enthusiastically.  
"You can call me Engineer, or Engy for short, missy!" said the Meowth cheerily.  
"I am the Scout, and I could kick the asses of the others any day!" grinned the Pikachu.  
"Did I not mention that I am the Spy?" inquired the Riolu as he appeared right behind Eevee.  
It seemed like a lot to swallow for poor Eevee, and on top of that, the Heavy made an irrelevant comment about his Sandvich having gotten bigger and much more filling. It was not surprising how he could carry it, considering how strong Phanpy were in general.  
"Can I call you guys collectively the mercenaries? Because you really look like them considering all that fancy getup of yours."  
"Sure, pardner," smiled the Engineer.  
"You know, you guys don't seem like bad Pokémon..." Eevee told the nine Pokémon. "You see, there has been a massive outbreak of hostile Pokémon lately, and a lot of them have gotten aggressive to the point where it's no longer safe..."  
"Aye, we got yer back, mate," the Demoman grinned. "We'll defend ye the best we can! Now if only 'ah hud some explosives..."  
"Gee, thanks... But you don't need to defend me just because I'm a girl..."  
"Oh, no, rest assured, your gender is irrelevant," said the Spy.  
All of a sudden, a Koffing showed up behind Eevee and nudged into her with great force.  
"Yipe!" she cried as she dropped her treasure.  
"Well, excuse us!" smirked the Koffing. On a side note, his name was John.  
"WHY... WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" snapped Eevee.  
"Oh, f-striking us early on in the fanfic, aren't ya?" snarked a smug Zubat, named Steve. "We just love screwin' with ya cause you're a wimp! Right, John?"  
"Of course, Steve! Whoa-ho-ho! Say, kid, that thing yours?" John chortled.  
"Oh, crap! My-" Eevee realized before she was cut off.  
"Because we'll take that!" Steve chuckled as he swiped Eevee's personal treasure.  
"Hey! Give it back, or I'll... I'll..."  
"What's wrong? Too scared?" taunted John with a smug expression plastered on his face.  
"Err, John, there are nine guys accompanying her," Steve pointed out.  
"Well, then, let's get out of here before any of them make a move," said John.  
"See you, coward. Heh-heh-heh," Steve told Eevee as he and John disappeared into the depths of the Beach Cave. "Oh, crap, I forgot we didn't have hands! This is going to be hard to carry unless we use our mouths."  
"Bloody wankers!" the Sniper hissed.  
"Darn, what do we do? That was my personal treasure!" Eevee cried. "We have to get it back! Can any of you help me?"  
"What do we do?" the confused Heavy asked as he and the other equally confused mercenaries exchanged glances. "I am not big or strong enough to help!"  
"No time to waste, we hafta go! Listen, that treasure means a lot to me... If it was gone, I'd... Please, I can't do this without any of you..."  
"Hey look, girl, I'm not sure how much assistance we can offer if we have no memory..." the Engineer glumly said.  
"That doesn't matter, we have to hurry, with or without memory!"  
"Heavy was stronger when he was human..."  
"STOP DWELLING ON YOUR TRANSFORMATIONS AND LOST MEMORIES!" Eevee snapped. "HUMANS, GHOSTS, WHATEVER YOU ARE, ONE OF YOU IS STILL HELPING OR I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU!"  
"Alright, alright, I'll do it! Calm your tits!" yelped the Scout.  
"What are tits?" Eevee asked, confused.  
"You can count on me to teach those frickin' crooks a lesson!" The Scout continued, ignoring Eevee's question as he rushed into the cave on all fours. "Come on! Let's go!"  
"Scout! Hey! Wait for me!"

* * *

"Hey, look, money!" exclaimed the Scout as they entered the cave. He immediately claimed it.  
"Okay, since you're new around here, I might have to explain a few things," said Eevee. "That is Poké, the currency we use to buy items in Kecleon Shops!"  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. _I_ know what money is!" retorted the Scout as they went further into the cave.  
"Wow, this dungeon is a lot smaller than I thought," remarked Eevee. "I mean, look! I can still see the entrance from here!"  
All of a sudden, a Shellder crept up from behind and licked the Scout's butt.  
"My ass!" the Scout cried, discharging an electric shock. He then eyed the fried Shellder. "Hey, this looks delicious!"  
"Okay? What just happened?" Eevee asked before the Scout found a peculiar seed.  
"Oh, hey, this looks interestin'!" he exclaimed, holding it.  
"No, Scout! Don't eat that!"  
"Listen, around here, _I_ eat what I want!" the Scout scoffed as he took a nibble of the seed.  
"Scout, that's a Blast-" Eevee started before the Scout started screaming about his mouth being on fire.  
The Scout's screaming attracted the attention of a horde of an assortment of Shellos, Shellder, and Corsola.  
"Hey, it wasn't my fault! I had no idea how spicy that seed was!"  
"I tried warning you, but you didn't listen!"

* * *

After warding off the horde of Pokémon, they went deeper and deeper into the surprisingly shallow cave until they reached the Beach Cave Pit.  
"Why, hello, chicken," smirked John. The treasure was behind him and Steve.  
"What have you done with my Relic Fragment? Give me back my personal treasure or I will kill you!"  
"Treasure, huh? This thing is so valuable we'll make so much frickin' money!" retorted Steve.  
"Whoa-ho-ho! Who knows how much it'll sell for?" John asked. "We'll sell it and get filthy rich!"  
"Yeah, we have a great reason not to give it back! But if you want it, wimp, come and get it!"  
"Ooohh, yeah, tough talk!" the Scout replied sarcastically before he charged at Steve. "Bring it on, dummies! Thundershock!"  
Eevee decided to use Tackle on John as well.  
Steve went down very easily, having fallen in only two hits or so, despite using Leech Life at least once.  
"Oh, yeah? Who's the real wimp here, asshole?" a triumphant Scout taunted Steve.  
"Damnit..." muttered Steve.  
"Steve may have made it easy, but I won't!" John declared. "Poison Gas!"  
Scout let out a cry as he was poisoned by the smog.  
"Scout? Are you okay?" Eevee asked.  
"I may be poisoned, but that prick is going down with his wimpy little buddy! Let's both get 'im!"  
They charged at John together, and the battle ended as they knocked him out with a swift blow.  
"Bahahahaha! Suckers! Look at you! You call us wimps and yet _you_ are the real wimps! I cannot believe how much you frickin' suck! Ahahahahaha!" the Scout laughed obnoxiously.  
"How did you wimps even KO us?" a dumbfounded John asked.  
"Our chief is going to be pissed!" Steve complained. "You know what? Take your stupid treasure!"  
"But remember, your victory was a fluke," John finished as he and Steve retreated.  
"Hey douchebag, your face was a fluke!" the Scout called to John.  
Eevee took a glance at her treasure, then turned to the Scout.  
"My precious treasure... I never thought I'd get this back... Thank you, Scout!" Eevee cried in delight as she rushed to hug the Scout.  
"Hey! Let go of- You know, it kinda feels good to be adored!"  
"...That was a platonic hug. Plus, I'm with somebody already."  
"...Oh."

* * *

"This is the treasure John and Steve stole," Eevee explained as she showed her treasure to the mercenaries. "It is my Relic Fragment... Well, at least that's what I started calling it... This means a lot to me, my precious treasure... You know, I love legend and lore and I love hearing tales from the past, all of which involve things just waiting to be discovered!"  
All the mercenaries' jaws dropped as she went on with her monologue. The Scout simply fainted from John's poison.  
"There is an infinite amount of things to discover, maybe beyond that amount! I always dream of these things. Ah, it's all so exciting! One day, I found this Relic Fragment washed up on the same shore where I found you guys. It's actually pretty uncanny how coincidental it was!"  
"This looks like junk, mate," commented the Sniper, looking at the Relic Fragment disparagingly.  
"Junk? Well, then take a closer look," Eevee replied. "In fact, all of you come closer."  
The mercenaries complied, but got a little too close for Eevee's liking.  
"Alright, you guys are invading my space!" Eevee said. The mercenaries backed away respectfully. "Anyway, look at the center of the fragment. There is a strange pattern inscribed on it."  
"Oh, mon dieu. I've never seen such a compelling pattern like this," remarked the Spy.  
"There must be some meaning to this pattern," Eevee continued. "I believe it is the key to legendary places where wonderful treasure lies! I've always wanted to join an exploration team to solve the mystery of my Relic Fragment!"  
She then pointed somewhere beyond the forest path leading to Treasure Town.  
"See that guild over there? That's Wigglytuff's Guild! Earlier, I tried becoming an apprentice, but no, I just didn't have the courage... What about you guys? You all lost your memories and somehow transformed into Pokemon... Do any of you know where you can stay?"  
The mercenaries looked blankly at her.  
"I'll take that as a no. If that's the case, then could you all join the guild with me? We could be first-class explorers! Please?"  
"You want to recruit one of us? But we don't know what exploration team is..." replied the Heavy, picking up the Scout with his trunk and hauling him onto his back.  
"Well, it's alright, because I don't know what an exploration team is either! I do know, however, that we need to go to Wigglytuff's Guild and sign up as apprentices first. That way we can get the training to become great explorers! I get the feeling it will be tough, though, but still! Let's go! Come with me, guys! I don't know how my girlfriend Jigglypuff will react to me being surrounded by nine guys, but who cares? This is going to be great!"  
"Yea, that's the spirit, lassie!" cried out the Demoman as he, Eevee, and the other mercenaries headed to the guild. "Leeet's do it!"

* * *

Fun fact: Originally, the Scout, Heavy, Engineer, and Sniper were going to be turned into Shinx, Pikachu, Charmander, and Totodile respectively. The very first concept for the story also had the Medic as a Cyndaquil and the Pyro a Chikorita. I then switched it around before I decided to turn the Medic into a Togetic and keep the Pyro as a Cyndaquil.  
The Soldier, the Demoman, and the Spy were always their respective Pokémon.  
All of the Pokémon were initially chosen exclusively from the starters of Explorers of Sky, but I decided that for more diverse typing I turned the Medic and Sniper into Pokémon that were not starters in that game. (Togepi was also a starter in the Japan-only Light Adventure Squad)  
I also considered turning the Soldier into a Machop while keeping the Sniper as a Totodile. The Soldier fights primarily with his rockets, so I wanted to give him something with the spirit of his rockets, so I decided not to make the change.

 **Spring semester of second-year college has started for me, so try not to expect many updates until May! R &R and stay tuned!**


	2. Chapter 2: Joining the Guild

_**Team Fortress of Sky**_

 _Chapter 2: Joining the Guild_

Author's Note: Second-year college has ended two weeks ago, so I am finally free! (For now, of course) I have been playing Team Fortress 2 again, so I figured I'd get back to this fanfic. As promised, here is the May update!

* * *

Eevee was showing the mercenaries the guild she wanted to join.  
"Well, this is Wigglytuff's Guild. If you wanna form an exploration team, you must start by registering there. Then you have to train until you are eligible to graduate and become a first-rate exploration team.  
"Well!" said the Engineer, eyeing the guild. "That there sure does sound like a challenge!"  
"What's that grate for, mate?" asked the Sniper, pointing to the grate in front of the entrance that Eevee stepped on earlier.  
"It's for SECURITY REASONS!" called the loud voice from earlier.  
"Ahh! Not again..."  
"Maybe I shouldn't have said that."  
"I can't do this... No! I have nine weird guys with me this time. This takes a lot of courage."  
"You clearly need it if you have nine weird guys with you as you said! Just step on the goddamn GRATE so we can identify you!"  
"Okay, okay, I can do this... I can do this..."  
"Yup, it's Eevee's footprint. Again," said the squeaky voice after a pause.  
"Waah!" Eevee shrieked before trying to contain her fright. "N-no... I can't flee..."  
"Do you happen to be that girlfriend of one of our regular visitors? You know, Jigglypuff? She keeps TALKING about her girlfriend!"  
"Uhh, yeah!"  
"No chatting with the visitors!" the squeaky voice told the loud voice. "Sorry about my guildmate! You may enter, miss!"  
"AND? THERE ARE A TON OF EEVEE OUT THERE, SO I HAVE TO VERIFY WHO IT IS! THIS COULD BE A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION, FOR GOD SAKE!"  
"Will you guys please stop?" Eevee asked the arguing voices. "What about the other nine Pokémon waiting to enter?"  
"Nine?" the squeaky voice reacted in shock.  
"Get your nine bodyguards to stand on the grate one by one!" yelled the loud voice.  
"Well, which one of us stand on grate?" the Heavy asked Eevee.  
"Ahem," said the Spy. "Allow me."  
"Good! Now whose footprint is this?" inquired the loud voice.  
"The footprint is... is... Umm... What the hell is that footprint?" stuttered the squeaky voice.  
"You don't know!? What is your goddamn problem, Diglett?"  
"Oh, never mind, Loudred, it's a shoe... You don't see others running around in costumes often, though... But looking at the bottom of his sole, he kinda looks like the Agent from Squad Stronghold 2!"  
"The Agent from Squad Stronghold 2!? Oh boy! I love Squad Stronghold 2! He's an amazing cosplayer! Let him in! In fact, let everyone in!"  
"Heh, morons," snickered the Scout as the door rumbled open. "Not botherin' to check the rest of us!"  
He laughed again as he rushed into the guild. Loudred didn't bother calling him out, still in awe that "cosplayers" had entered the guild.  
The mercenaries followed the Scout while a jittery Eevee followed before stopping right past the grate, but right in front of the entrance.  
"Eevee, are you coming or not?" the Soldier asked Eevee.  
"Umm... Umm... Yeah, I'm just nervous... I need some time to gather myself, but I'm coming..."

* * *

On the right side of the guild's entry floor, there was an arrow sign pointing to the hatch right ahead of the mercenaries, which was blatantly obvious considering its placement. Behind the hatch, the wall was covered with drapery with compelling dyed-in patterns, and the face of the guild's namesake in the dead center.  
While the mercenaries were waiting for Eevee, the Heavy read the bulletin board on the left side of the entry floor just for the hell of it. After all, while he forgot all about his PhD in Russian literature, he still retained that love of reading, despite his piss-poor English skills. He ended up requesting some help from the Engineer.  
"Don't they realize a Pokémon could hug the side of the guild to sneak past that grate?" the Spy asked, criticizing the grate's placement. "A mistake beyond amateurish for security! They should be lucky I am courteous enough to stand on that grate."  
"What this guild needs is a sniper to take care of those sneaks," the Sniper replied.  
"Oh, please..."  
"Eevee has officially reported for duty!" announced the Soldier, with Eevee following behind him. "Down the hatch to the guild!"  
The Soldier then led everybody down into the guild's first underground floor.

* * *

"Oh, wow, there are quite a few Pokémon down here!" Eevee remarked. "Are they all part of exploration teams?"  
"That's right! I'm Turtwig!" said one of the Pokémon, who was reading a bulletin board for job postings in "mystery dungeons," of which we will be covering later. She showed her custom-crafted Exploration Badge. "I'm the head of Team Mythology! My partners are Chimchar and Piplup! We explore and solve myths around the Pokémon world!"  
The guild did, indeed, have quite a few other exploration teams gathering together and socializing. Team Nature was a novice exploration team composed of Treecko, Torchic, and Mudkip. They sought to be peacemakers for warring tribes, but were hit or miss when it actually came to the job. There was also Team Tasty, Swellow and Wurmple, of which the latter was terrified of being eaten by the former, Team Seedgey, who got along a hell lot better than the aforementioned exploration team did, and Team Glee, Togepi, Politoed, and Ledyba, who sought to help spread glee amongst other Pokémon.  
"Excuse me!" a voice called before its owner climbed up the ladder from what appeared to be another underground floor. It was a Chatot was wearing a pair of Smartass Glasses. "It was you ten who just came in, right? I'm Chatot, Guildmaster Wigglytuff's smartass assistant! Look, we have no time for salespeople or silly surveys! Now shoo!"  
The Soldier did not take this dismissal well.  
"Hey! I am not a salesman! I am a soldier, and I know a LOT more about fighting than you do, birdbrain, because I learned from Sun Tzu, inventor of fighting!" he snapped as he approached Chatot, who flinched before his feathery collar was grabbed. "It would not be any kind of surprise if he beat you within the first nanosecond!"  
After his little rant, the Soldier dropped Chatot.  
"Sorry about him. We're here to get training so we can form an exploration team," said Eevee.  
"Training for an exploration team! Why didn't you say that?" Chatot immediately lit up, shaking Eevee's paw. "You know, it's rare to see kids like you come here, considering how hard the training is..."  
"I'm 17. They're all crazy grownups, as you can probably tell by their voices..."  
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Pokémon are chickening away from our guild because of the harsh training!"  
Eevee immediately paused when she heard the words "harsh training."  
"Wait... i-is the training here really that harsh?" she asked timidly.  
"Uh, no! Contrary to popular belief, the training here is actually the most simple!"  
"I'm afraid you just contradicted yourself in your self-defense," the Spy pointed out.  
"Well, you can have training that is simple to understand but hard to master..."  
"You're not wrong, amigo, but you don't have to go out of your way to defend yourself."  
"Back on the point," said the Engineer. "We've come to this here guild to train to become explorers."  
"Well, I wish you told me sooner you wanted to join! Now let's get you signed up right away. Follow me down!"  
"Uhh..." Eevee began.  
"What's wrong? Come on!" the Scout told Eevee as he and the other mercenaries pushed Eevee down, following behind Chatot.

* * *

"Hey! Stop pushin' me!" Eevee told the mercenaries by the time they made it to the second underground floor. To their right was a cauldron, which was being watched over by a creepy and possessive (of the aforementioned item, at least) Croagunk. A few yards in front of the cauldron was a vine leading down somewhere, supposedly used for getting to the Sentry Duty post by Loudred, as Diglett could dig his damn way down. To the left of the vines was the entry to the basement, hidden under flowers. Right of the cauldron and the vine was the mess hall, and most likely the kitchen and food supplies. The Guildmaster's chamber was to the left of the mercenaries and Chatot, and so were the crew rooms, which were parallel with the mess hall entrance.  
"This is the guild's second underground floor, where the apprentices work, and where you guys will be working as well," explained Chatot. "There is another floor down, but that's the basement. Registration begins by going to the Guildmaster's chamber. Come with me, guys."  
He led everybody to the Guildmaster's chamber, but Eevee was distracted by the light coming from the window right next to the chamber's door, which she decided to peek through.  
"Wow! We're two floors underground, but you can still see the outdoors the same!" she said in awe. "You can even see my girlfriend's house from here!"  
"Well, of course! The guild is built into the side of a cliff, so of course you can enjoy the view. It's pretty great to look out there on a nice, warm day. Now, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. Now we will be heading into Guildmaster Wigglytuff's chamber. Do not disrespect him or you are dead! Okay, just kidding! Either way, on no account should you be discourteous to him at all or there will be consequences."  
He then pecked the chamber's door before opening it.

* * *

"Oh, Guildmaster!" called Chatot. "It's Chatot! I've got some Pokémon who wish to become apprentices here!"  
No response for a brief moment. The Guildmaster appeared to be staring at the drapery in his chamber, which was a similar pattern to the entrance draperies, but he was really staring off into space.  
"Guildmaster?" asked Chatot. "Hello? Earth to Guildmaster! It's your favorite assistant, Chatot!"  
The Medic pulled out a syringe, planning to draw out the Guildmaster's blood for some sadistic experiment. Suddenly, the Guildmaster turned around, startling him and prompting him to hide behind the Soldier, who was standing behind Chatot but in front of everybody else.  
"Hiya, friendly friends! I'm Wigglytuff, the Guildmaster! First of all, what's your name, soldier?"  
Wigglytuff asked, eyeing the Soldier's helmet.  
"Uhh... Jane Doe, sir!" answered the Soldier, causing Guildmaster Wigglytuff to crack up. "Wait, what's so funny?"  
"My ROFLcopter goes soi soi soi!" belted the Guildmaster.  
"WHAT'S SO FUNNY!?" repeated the Soldier angrily.  
"Jane Doe!" laughed the Guildmaster. "No, seriously, let's just call you Squirtle so nobody will make fun of your name."  
"Dammit! Call me the Soldier! Only sissies lack names!"  
"And those are your friends Pikachu, Cyndaquil, Bulbasaur, Phanpy, Meowth, Togetic, Delibird, and Riolu," continued the Guildmaster.  
"Vell, actually, zhe rest of us are Scout, Pyro, Demoman, Heavy, Engineer, Sniper, und Spy," explained the Medic. "Und I am zhe Medic."  
"Well... Those must be hard to remember. Can I call you by your species names?"  
"Ach! I give up! Yes! You can!"  
The Guildmaster then turned to Eevee.  
"And you must be Eevee, Jigglypuff's girlfriend. She's been telling me all about you!"  
"...You know Jigglypuff?" Eevee asked, confused.  
"Of course! She visits the guild often! The guild knows her well!"  
"Uhh... Tha lassie wants to form an exploration team," interjected the Demoman. The Guildmaster paused for a moment.  
"Oh? An exploration team? Well, train at this guild and collaborate with your fellow guild members! Also collaborate with them on chores. Once you've gathered enough experience, you may graduate and become part of exploration teams!"  
"Are you sure I should stay?" Eevee asked the mercenaries.  
"You only have one life, missy! If you don't live your dreams, you are wasting it!" the Soldier boomed. The Demoman and the Heavy nodded.  
"Uhh... I'm up for it!" Eevee told the Guildmaster nervously.  
"Okay, then! Registering! Registering! All done! YOOM... TAH!"  
"My eyes!" cried the Scout, blinded by the flashing light from Wigglytuff's Hyper Voice.  
"Goodbye, vision! Sae hullo tae me depth perceeption fer me!" cried the Demoman.  
"Doktor!" cried the Heavy. "Help!"  
"I am sorry, my eyes are in pain!" cried the Medic.  
"Congratulations! You're now official guild members!" the jovial Guildmaster exclaimed. He then set a peculiar golden box in front of him. "I present you with this Exploration Team Kit, every exploration team's essentials. Open it! Inside is a Guild Badge, a Wonder Map, and a Treasure Bag! Contents may vary."  
"Wow!" Eevee gasped while the mercenaries screamed from being blinded. The Guild Badge, which was shaped like the Guildmaster himself, looked like it was used by a lot of past guild members and refurbished many times. The center gem had a crap ton of scratches, and the paint had a few chips here and there. The Treasure bag was even more worn out. When exploration teams got bigger bags, they dumped their old ones at the front porches of starting explorers and guilds who refused to buy them from sellers. This bag appeared to have been handled by a good amount of explorers in the past.  
"Your Guild Badge is your official identification as a member of our guild! The Wonder Map is another essential. It is a wonder of convenience, hence the name Wonder Map. And last, but not least, there's a Treasure Bag, which you can put items into. Your successes will reward you with bigger bags with more space! Take a peek inside it. There's a Zinc Band and a Red Bow in it. They're so useful that you would regret losing them!"  
"Gee, thank you, Guildmaster!"  
"Definitely! The training here may be harsh, despite Chatot's constant denial, but I know you'll do your best!"  
"Of course! I suppose..."  
"And now to find a place for you all to sleep! Eevee, Scout! You can share the crew room of the recently-graduated Charmander and Munchlax of Team Awesome!"  
"Awesome!" cried Eevee and the Scout.  
"But then the real question is where the other new recruits are going to sleep..."  
"They can sleep in the basement with Skitty and me!" Vulpix, a fellow guild member, offered.  
All the other mercenaries except the Spy were enthusiastic about having a place to sleep.  
"Why such a filthy place?" complained the Spy. "We could rent a cheap house and we'd get better shelter than this!"  
"Filthy? I made it the most luxurious basement on the face of the planet!"  
"Well, that sounds wonderful, mate!" the Sniper grinned. Of course, he wouldn't care, considering he lived in a van when he was a human.  
"Those guys are imbeciles," the Spy grumbled as he went down to the basement. "I hope the Medic's not going to operate in the basement..."

* * *

That night, in the Scout and Eevee's crew room, the Scout was in a deep slumber, but Eevee was restless.  
"Scout? I've been thinking about something, and I just wanted to talk to you about it... My heart's been racing all day..."  
"Shut up, I'm trying to sleep... Dreamin' of hot sexy chicks..." the straighter-than-straight-to-the-power-of-horny Scout told Eevee in his sleep.  
The Scout turned away from Eevee, his hat falling off and letting loose a photo he apparently kept under his hat as a human.  
It was a picture of a young human woman in purple holding a pistol while looking cute, probably to tease the Scout despite the high probability that she wasn't interested in him. Signed were the words "Keep dreaming!" followed by "F. Pauling."  
So that's what humans look like... Eevee thought to herself.  
"Scout, wake up, there's a hot, sexy chick in front of you! Her name's, uhh... F. Pauling!" Eevee called. She was pretty uncomfortable repeating the Scout's three words.  
"Wh-Who?" The Scout asked, waking up. "Where'd you get dat?"  
"It was under your hat. Anyway, I've been meaning to tell you something..."  
"Go on..."  
"I'm actually glad I got myself to join this guild."  
"Yeah, dat's great. Wait, you tried coming here before?"  
Eevee: Yeah, but I just never had the courage... I thought Wigglytuff would be scary, but he's rather nice. You know, I'm not so scared now that I've actually joined the guild. In fact, I think I'm excited to go on all these new adventures!"  
"Yeah, yeah, that's nice," said the Scout. "But I wanna go back to sleep. Night Eevee."  
"You know what? I'm gettin' kinda sleepy now that I've unloaded my thoughts... Night Scout."

* * *

The Engineer was building a Sentry to guard the basement entrance while everybody else got ready to go to bed. Similarly, the Medic was setting up his operations in one corner of the basement so he could experiment on the entire guild, much to the Spy's chagrin.  
So, how do you like the guild so far?" Vulpix asked the new recruits.  
"Is good!" the Heavy boomed.  
"Mmmph!" mumbled the Pyro.  
"Well..." the Demoman began before a box of drinks in another corner of the basement caught his only eye. "Oh, look, scrumpy!"  
He grabbed a bottle with his vine and downed it in one shot before passing out on the basement sofa.  
"I guess that's one aspect to like about the guild if you wanna kill your liver..."  
"Why did you even pick the filthy basement to sleep in in the first place?" The Spy complained to Vulpix.  
"A good soldier does not complain about his living quarters! He picks dirtier places to sleep because it makes him more resilient to the weather!" the Soldier told his fellow mercenary.  
"I'm back!" The Sniper called, holding a jar of... something.  
"Yick!" said Vulpix as she reeled in disgust.  
"Oh, don't worry, it's all for self-defense! I call this Jarate!"  
Everybody in the basement groaned.  
"Don't get that on my suit or I will kill you," the Spy told the Sniper.

* * *

By the time everybody else had fallen asleep, like Eevee, the Engineer found it difficult to sleep at first, not because of the Demoman, Heavy, and Sniper's combined snoring, but because he had a burning conundrum regarding his transformation into a Pokémon. He tapped the Pyro to come with him. The Spy woke up, demanding to know what was going on. The Engineer told him it was nothing, but really, it wasn't. The Spy wasn't convinced, so he decided to follow them. The rest of the mercenaries snored through their talking and couldn't be bothered. Despite this, the three mercenaries agreed to keep their footsteps as quiet as possible.  
They climbed up to the second floor and gazed out the window that Eevee was peeking through earlier.  
"Well, Pyro, Spy," confided the Engineer. "Now that we've settled down, I've been wondering... How did we end up out cold on that beach transformed into Pokémon with no memories?"  
The Pyro shrugged.  
"My guess, I'm afraid, is as good as yours," said the Spy. "What if I asked you how I ended up with a whole suit while you ended up with only a hat, goggles, and a glove? That, my friend, is another story, but it has something in common with your question: I know nothing."  
"Well, whatever happened, let's just not think about it for now. I'm certain we'll find our answers eventually..."  
"Certainly. But for now, we must rest."  
The three mercenaries headed down to the basement. Surely, the other mercenaries might have had the same questions, but they didn't care much about it at all. Even the Pyro didn't care much about it. Xe was pretty much roped into the Engineer's conundrum as his confidant, and so the Spy was the only one who cared as much as the Engineer about these questions.

* * *

 **Hopefully I should be able to upload a new chapter in June! As always,** R&R and stay tuned!


	3. Chapter 4: Azurill

**_Team Fortress of Sky_**

 _Chapter 4: Azurill_

I know I got busy with school and other projects and have not been as interested in Pokémon and TF2 as I used to be, but I found out two weeks ago through the Star Fox community that Rick May, the voice of our beloved Soldier, had passed away due to the corona.

I had a good few chunks of this chapter finished over half a year ago when he was still alive, and I thought it was a pretty funny one, so I figured I'd finish it up and post it out of order as a tribute for our fallen soldier. (Not every tribute has to be sad, you know!) However, I grossly overestimated how much time I had in my schedule, so apologies for the lateness. Let's hope I did our Soldier justice here either way.  
For now, this fanfic and Paper Jimmy Neutron are still on hiatus, but I might eventually revisit them.

* * *

It had taken the nine mercenaries and Eevee at least three days to get accustomed to guild life. With the help of their veteran members (Including Bidoof, the newest member before the mercenaries and Eevee), the Guildmaster and Chatot had gradually gotten all of the new recruits fully acquainted with the basics of explorer life and tackling job requests. However, only eight of the ten recruits had been introduced to outlaw notices, (Then again, a few of them decided to take jobs from that board without a formal introduction) and the remaining two were to receive their training today.  
"Eevee? Squirtle? I would like you two to come with me today," Chatot told Eevee and the Soldier.  
"Yes! Reporting for duty!" the Soldier barked at Chatot, saluting him. Chatot pushed his arm down before leading him and Eevee to the second floor. Unlike the time he talked to the Heavy and Eevee, he took them to the bulletin board on the opposite side of the room.

"I wasn't sure you were up to it like everybody else, so I've been saving you for last," Chatot told Eevee as they climbed the stick ladder. "I also thought Squirtle might not be in the best mental shape to go out on his own..."  
 _Wow, Chatot's so patronizing..._ thought Eevee, who had taken the remarks hard.  
"I'm sure you are familiar with taking jobs by now, right? Well, this is the Outlaw Notice Board. We'll be having you do a job from here today."  
"Sir! Are these Pokémon war veterans?" the Soldier asked.  
"No... They're wanted criminals who commit all kinds of atrocities like kidnapping, stealing, murder... and deliberately neglecting to return library books. Because of that, the law enforcement has put bounties on their heads. They come in all shades of nastiness, from those who seek world domination, to simply petty thieves. Some are also more aggressive, others not so much. Today, we're going to have you take on an easier outlaw. As always, you'll have to prepare to face these outlaws just like you would prepare for any other job. When you come back, Bidoof will help you pick an outlaw to fight."  
"Yes, sir! Eevee! Let's move out!"

* * *

"Excuse me, son, what do you guys have in store for us?" the Soldier asked the Kecleon brothers. One Kecleon was green, while the other was a rosy purple.  
"Hats have become more popular around these areas ever since you and your other friends showed up," said the purple Kecleon. "Would you like to buy one?"  
"I am not here to buy a new hat, Purple, sir, I am here for **orbs**!"  
"Yeah, Green sells them now that I'm selling hats..."  
"No matter! Green, I will have a Rollcall Orb, a Violent Seed, and a Blast Seed!"  
"Okay, here you go!" the green Kecleon said to the Soldier after being handed quite a bit more Poké than necessary.  
"Misters Kecleon!" a voice familiar to Eevee, but not the Soldier, called.  
"Good morning, Eevee!" the other voice said.  
"Hi, Marill! Hi Azurill!" Eevee said back as the Soldier saluted them.  
"My young friends!" said the green Kecleon as he handed them two stools. "What would you like to buy?"  
"I think we'll buy an Apple," Azurill said after he and Marill climbed onto the stools.  
"Most certainly!" said the green Kecleon as he got the apple off the shelf and handed it to Azurill.  
"By the way, may I have a hat?" Marill asked the purple Kecleon.  
"Hats?" Eevee asked, confused as the Kecleon brothers put another apple into a hat by mistake(?) They handed the hat to Marill.  
"Yes, hats! They're a way to get everybody to gawk at you because they cannot afford the things that you can!"  
"...Okay?"  
"But maybe you can find them for cheaper in some secret bazaar or some other marketplace!"  
"Thank you, misters Kecleon!" Azurill told the brothers.  
"No, thank you, my young friends! Have a great morning!"  
"Same to you!" Marill replied. "Bye, Eevee!"  
"You see, sir," the green Kecleon explained to the Soldier, who was picking his nose. "Those two are brothers, and apparently the young lady's friends. Their mother has fallen ill, so they do the shopping for her. My, they've been growing up so quickly!"  
"Let's hope God is out there somewhere looking out for their mother," said the Soldier.

"Wait! Misters Kecleon! You gave us an extra apple by mistake!" Azurill called.  
"Oh, no, young sirs, that is a gift from us. Please do share it among yourselves and enjoy your day!  
"Thank you, we will!" Marill said to the brother merchants as they left again.  
Azurill then tripped, dropping the apple. Let's be real, he can only really carry the apple with his tail considering his size. The Soldier picked it up and handed the apple to Azurill. He also gave his helmet to the tyke, exposing his own eyes to the sun.  
"You dropped your apple, young sir! A good soldier always keeps his rations together!"  
After the Soldier handed the apple to Azurill, he paused before he started acting weird.  
"Help?" the Soldier seemed to ask nobody in particular. "Eevee! Help whoever is calling for help!"  
"Soldier? What's the matter?" Eevee asked the Soldier.  
"I heard someone screaming for help!" he replied as Azurill backed away awkwardly.  
"Umm, are you sure? I didn't hear anything like that... Green? Purple? By any chance, did you guys hear a cry for help?"  
"What? No, I didn't hear anything out of the ordinary," said Green.  
"Neither did I," said Purple.  
"How did none of you hear that scream?" the Soldier barked. "It was clearly coming out of the little maggot!"  
"Soldier, I think you imagined it. And after you brought out a stool just to talk to Kangaskhan and called Azurill a soldier, I'm not sure I can take your word anyway... Maybe a stroll before we get back to the guild would help, no?"  
"I need a new helmet, maggots!" the Soldier said as he put a barrel over his head.  
"Err, Soldier? You gave your helmet to Azurill, remember?"

* * *

As the Soldier and Eevee took their stroll, they overheard Marill and Azurill asking around about their lost item. "Has anybody seen our Water Float?" "I might have seen it around somewhere," a kindly-ish looking Drowzee said to the brothers. "Perhaps I can help you find it."  
"Hooray! Thank you so much!" Azurill cheered.  
"Oh, no, it's nothing," the Drowzee replied.  
"Hey Marill, what's going on?" Eevee asked Marill.  
"We lost our Water Float a while back," Marill told her. "It's very important to us, and we looked all over the town for it. However, Mr. Drowzee here says he might have seen it somewhere, and he even offered to help us find it!"  
"Advice from a war veteran, which is pointless right now since you did it already, don't talk to strangers!" the Soldier told the brothers.  
"But Mr. Drowzee's just trying to help us!" Azurill pointed out.  
"Yes! I couldn't stand seeing any youth feeling down and out!" Drowzee told the Soldier. He then turned to the brothers. "Now let us begin our search!"  
"Yay! Thank you, Mr. Drowzee!"  
And so they went on their way, but not before Drowzee bumped into the Soldier by mistake. It was probably a big one considering the Soldier started hearing strange things again.  
"Oops! My bad!" Drowzee said.  
"Drowzee sure seems like a good egg," Eevee told the zoning out Soldier. "Especially considering all those hostile Pokémon out there. Soldier? Are you okay?"  
"Eevee, my head is about to explode!" the Soldier groaned as he started developing a headache, which immediately turned into a dizzy spell.  
"Soldier!"  
No response from the Soldier as he sat down clutching his forehead under his barrel helmet.

The Soldier heard the same cry for help he heard before, but the vision was more clear. He could see Drowzee using Azurill for something.  
 _"You came out of a hole, so you can get back into a hole!"_ Drowzee told Azurill in the Soldier's vision. He was pushing Azurill into a hole presumably filled with treasures.

"Soldier! Are you okay?" asked Eevee.  
"Eevee! It's terrible! Drowzee is going to exploit Azurill and use him for child labor!" the Soldier cried. "He is using him for a mining operation in the mountains!"  
"Soldier? Are you okay? I think you must be going insane from worrying too much..."  
"It is not me being insane! I just saw a prediction of the future!" yelled the Soldier. "We must stop him now!"  
"Yikes! Calm down, Soldier! Let's go back to the guild and meet up with Bidoof first."  
On their way back to the guild, Corphish informed Eevee that she got a letter from her girlfriend. She happily took it and read it as they got inside.

* * *

"Reporting for duty, Bidoof! Who shall we fight first?"  
"Fight _first_?" Eevee asked, realizing the implications of the Soldier's words.  
"Sun Tzu said that you must fight if it's certain that fighting will result in victory!"  
"Sun Tzu?" Eevee asked. _My girlfriend asked me out to dinner today, and boy, I'll have tons to say about this nutcase..._  
"A military strategist who wrote The Art of War! He talks all about it in his book! Now find us a tough outlaw, Bidoof!"  
"Shucks, I can't do that," said Bidoof. "Chatot told me to pick an easier outlaw for you."  
"Who do you think you're talking to? I fought in World War II and kicked those Nazis' asses! I made and received _numerous_ medals for my service and-"

While the Soldier flew into his psychotic rage, the ground started trembling. It was definitely not from him, but when it was over, the board had flipped over.  
"Was that me?" the Soldier asked.  
"No sirree, that was Dugtrio," answered Bidoof. "I'm afraid you also yelled over him telling us to stand clear as he updated the board."  
Eevee glared at the Soldier yet again.  
"Anyway, both the Job Bulletin Board and the Outlaw Notice Board are set up on revolving panels. Your friend the Scout tried sneaking through the door once just for fun. Dugtrio forced him out and promised not to tell Chatot for that **one** reason, yup yup! Now where was I? Oh yes sirree, on a daily basis, Dugtrio refreshes the jobs on the board. It doesn't get noticed much, but he takes pride in the importance of his duty anyway, yup yup!"  
"Umm, Bidoof? The board got updated while you were talking... I thought I heard him say something too..." Eevee pointed out.  
"What? Oh, sorry, that was rude of me! Yes sirree, the board has been updated! Now let's pick an outlaw for-" Bidoof began before he noticed Eevee shivering.  
"Is something wrong?" he asked.  
"Soldier! Look at the board!" Eevee told the Soldier. Sure enough, a painting of Drowzee was on the Outlaw Notice Board, meaning that the Soldier's vision had somehow become true. The yellow had faded out significantly, which barely mattered since the white of the paper was yellowish to begin with.  
"Dear god..." said the Soldier as he got up close and blankly stared at the wanted poster of Drowzee. "What do you know? I was right! Drowzee is a Nazi sympathizer who endorses child labor!"  
"What is a Notzee?" asked Bidoof.  
"How do you not know the evilest group of scum out there! They stand against everyone and everything that everyone they stand against stands for!" The Soldier then turned to his partner and dragged her out of the guild. "Let's fight Drowzee! For everlasting peace!"  
"Wait! What's going on?" Bidoof cried. "Have the Nutsees come to invade the guild?"

* * *

On their way out of the guild, they ran into Marill. Marill's body looked very tensed up. It looked like he couldn't move at all until the Soldier headbutted him.  
"Ow!" Marill yelped. "Eevee! Squirtle soldier! It's terrible! Drowzee and Azurill have disappeared!"  
"Disappeared!?" the Soldier and Eevee exclaimed.  
"We all went together searching for our Water Float, and just when I was done taking a water break, Mr. Drowzee threw a Stun Seed at me and ran off with Azurill!"

 _"I think I need a drink," Marill had said to Drowzee._  
 _"Of course!" Drowzee said. "Take all the time you want!"_  
 _"Thank you, Mr. Drowzee..."_  
 _Marill went to the waterhole to have his drink. It was very refreshing._  
 _However, since he was distracted, Drowzee started sneaking away carrying Azurill, whose body was mostly covered by the Soldier's helmet. When he stopped hearing Marill drinking, he turned around and threw a Stun Seed to make his escape._  
 _"Marill? Are you still behind us?" Azurill had asked, after a few minutes. Of course, his eyes were blocked by the helmet, so Drowzee took advantage of this fact to deliver a lie._  
 _"Marill's behind us, don't worry, he'll catch up," Drowzee had told the child._

"What if Azurill doesn't notice I'm not there?" Marill cried, panicking.  
"This is why a good soldier always barks orders at his fellow soldiers!" barked the Soldier. "It's time I got you and your dainty wallflower of a friend into shape! Where did Drowzee and Azurill go?"  
"Follow me! I couldn't move, but I think I saw where they headed off to!"

* * *

Marill led the Soldier and Eevee to a mountainous place with grayish rock walls and a sand-colored rock floor.  
"So you think Drowzee and Azurill went this way," Eevee said as she looked at her map. "Mt. Bristle?"  
"I think so," Marill replied.  
Eevee then turned to the Soldier.  
"Soldier? You said you had a vision of Drowzee and Azurill in a mountainous place, did you?"  
"I saw Drowzee making Azurill his personal slave!" he reaffirmed to her. "We must beat that communist scum before he corrupts the young child! You and Marill are coming with me!"

* * *

"By the end of this trip you two will be able to become real soldiers!" the Soldier called to Eevee and Marill, picking up some useful rations and useless junk for them. He then spotted a few hostile Pokémon, two Geodude and a Nidorino, angry that he and his comrades trespassed on their territory. "Now watch and learn, soldiers! Bubble!"  
He attempted to use the move to push himself into the air but failed miserably.  
"Dammit! I used to be able to do this with rockets in my heyday, now I have no other way to leap to higher ground!"  
He threw a Blast Seed to the ground out of frustration, accidentally causing the same effect he desired while taking out the two Geodude and damaging the Nidorino a good amount.  
"Well, that works, too, I suppose! Okay, Bubble!"  
He fired twice at the Nidorino, taking it out. However, the second blast was somehow fired with more force, and so it suddenly dawned on the Soldier that he could now use Water Gun.  
"Okay, let me see if I can fly high with this move instead!" he said as he ate an Oran Berry to compensate for the damage from the aforementioned explosion. "Water Gun!"  
The Soldier successfully propelled himself into the air using Water Gun before proceeding to rain Bubble over another approaching group of hostile Pokémon.  
"I don't think I'll be trying that anytime soon," Marill said as he picked up an Apple and ate it.  
"Good! You followed my advice from earlier!"

While they walked up the mountain, they found Poké and items dropped by previous explorers, like Seeds, Berries, and Max Elixirs. Two-thirds of the way up the mountain, the Soldier got tired of Marill and Eevee being too timid and passive for his tastes.  
"Will you two stop sitting around and fight? If we want to get to Drowzee, we must move!"  
"Yeah, uhh... How are we supposed to avoid conflict if you keep yelling at us?"  
"Fight! That's what! Fight so everyone else can avoid conflict!"  
"Uhh... Soldier?" Marill asked. "We're attracting a lot of unwanted attention!"  
"Oh, no..." the Soldier responded. He then pulled out his collection of Geo Pebbles and handed them to Eevee and Marill before he began to wrestle a Machop. "You two must fight, then! Fire your weapons! Try a somersault!"  
Marill and Eevee combined their sticks and Geo Pebbles with Tackles, Water Guns, and Helping Hands to plow through the mess of hostile Pokemon.  
"You call that flying? Let me show you flying, maggots!" the Soldier yelled at a Doduo as he did another Water Gun jump onto higher ground while hurling a stick at it. "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but sticks and stones can shatter yours!"  
Marill was astounded at the Soldier's "expertise" and his insanity.  
"Your friend is honestly pretty dedicated," he told Eevee. "Won't he hurt himself eventually?"  
"If he's crazy enough to jump that high, then he's crazy enough to find a way to land safely."  
"Cover the ground and keep following me! We're almost at the peak, so don't give up now!"  
Marill and Eevee stared at the Soldier, wondering if he was ever going to snap back into reality.

* * *

"You came out of a hole, so you can get back into a hole!" Drowzee told Azurill, trying to shove him into the hole just as the insane Soldier foretold. Eevee's mind was blown, especially since the Soldier came off to her as insane.  
"See, Eevee? Marill? Drowzee endorses child labor without pay!"  
Eevee rolled her eyes as the Soldier charged to confront Drowzee.  
"Stop right there, foreigner!" he commanded.  
"Give my brother back!" Marill followed.  
"Oh, what are little civilians like you doing here? How did you find us?"  
"How we found you is not important. The question you are looking for is... WHO ARE YOU CALLING CIVILIANS? We are American soldiers, you insolent communist fascist child labor endorsing rapist!"  
Drowzee chuckled at the Soldier's zany remarks and barrel helmet as Eevee trembled upon making eye contact with him.  
"Oh gee, a nutjob and his timid sidekicks, perfect for dealing with a wanted outlaw like me," said Drowzee. "Rookies. I've been chased by many explorers, but never a gang of sorrier misfits like you three! Think you can bring this outlaw to justice?"  
"We are going to bring liberty AND justice to you!" the Soldier screamed.  
"Uhh..." Marill said before the Soldier pushed him forward. "Don't corrupt my brother into a communist?  
"Uhh... Boo to child labor?" Eevee asked timidly, going along with the Soldier's arguably justifiable accusation.  
"And you two were doing very good earlier! Man up, you ladies!" the Soldier said as he put Eevee in front of him. "I do not tolerate your cowardice, and neither does the Guildmaster! And as for you, Drowzee... Bring it on, outlaw, for this American SOLDIER is going to kick your ass!"  
The Soldier threw a few Sticks and Geo Pebbles at Drowzee, but the outlaw used his helmet as a shield, effectively using the Soldier's belongings against him.  
"Attack our enemy!" the Soldier yelled to Eevee and Marill as he launched himself with a Water Gun over Drowzee to distract him. Eevee and Marill hesitated for a second, but they started to summon the courage to fight Drowzee. Marill used Tail Whip to lower Drowzee's defense, while Eevee used Tackle to strike.  
However, when there was an opening, Drowzee used Confusion on the Soldier, giving him a big headache.  
"Eevee! Marill! It is up to you! Be a good soldier and beat that sissified maggot scum! I cannot faint or we all get the boot!"  
He wandered to Eevee's bag, grabbed an Oran Berry, and ate it.  
"Dumbass," thought Eevee as she pulled out a Sleep Seed, hesitating a little before chucking it at Drowzee. "Err... try this!"  
"You three really are new to exploring," chuckled Drowzee. "It's called Insomnia!"  
"I may be new to exploring, but my country has withstood war through war, and so will we! Eevee! Lend me a helping hand or your unit will be dishonored!"  
"Err.. Err..." Eevee thought about what she could do to help the Soldier. She then rapidly kicked her legs into the sand, splashing it in Drowzee's face and leaving him flailing.  
"That is close enough!" the Soldier yelled as he retrieved his helmet. "Get on my back, blueball! Eevee, use Helping Hand and circle around Drowzee!"  
Eevee's move boosted the Soldier's next Water Gun, which combined with Marill's own Water Gun to weaken Drowzee.  
"Surprising..." Drowzee said. "Who knew that nutcase could come up with all these crazy tactics?"  
"Crazy, sure, but here is the justice you asked us to bring you to!" Marill yelled as he threw a Stun Seed at Drowzee. Drowzee's muscles all tensed up, leaving him unable to move until he was touched.  
"Good work, soldiers!" the Soldier grinned at his comrades.  
"Never underestimate the power of the USA!" the Soldier yelled. The pseudo-team then approached Azurill.  
"Azurill!" called Marill. "You're alive!"  
"Marill!" Azurill cried with joy. He and his brother sobbed as they embraced each other.  
"Aww..." Eevee thought.  
"Rest assured, son, that rapist scum is no more!" the Soldier yelled happily at Azurill. "Your brother is now safe, Marill! Let's bring him home!"  
Marill and Eevee got understandably uncomfortable about the Soldier discussing rape in front of the kid.

"ZZZT! I am Officer Magnezone, head of the police force in this region!" said the officer. "ZZZT! Thanks to you, we have been able to capture this outlaw!"  
"At your service!" the Soldier grinned, saluting Magnezone and flashing the Guild Badge on his bandolier.  
"Thank you so much for your cooperation! We shall send your reward to your guild! ZZZT!"  
"And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for that meddling helmet-over-his-eyes psycho and those meddling teens!" Drowzee yelled. "Dammit!"  
"They know I'm not an ordinary civilian! They know I was born on American soil and conditioned to the U. S. Army's seven virtues!" the Soldier thought out loud as soon as Officer Magnezone left.  
"So if Officer Magnezone tracked Drowzee here, does that mean that our fighting was pointless?" Eevee asked him.  
"Negative! Every part of fighting is worth it if you're protecting the country from communist scum like Drowzee! We just made their job easier!" the Soldier told Eevee.  
"What is America? Because I've never heard of such a place before..." Azurill earnestly asked the Soldier as they went home. He was being carried by the Soldier, who would have held his hand if he had any.  
"America is the land of the free and the home of the brave soldiers who fight for their country!" the Soldier answered.  
Eevee glared at the Soldier while Azurill listened with awe. Marill was just plain confused.  
"That sure sounds like a fun place to be," Azurill told the Soldier. "I want to hear more about it sometime!"  
"I'll just ask Chatot about it later," Eevee said, taking the Soldier's insanity into consideration.  
"Will you visit our house and tell us about America?" Azurill pestered the Soldier. "I'll tell you how to get to our home!"  
"Sorry son, we must report to our guild right now," the Soldier replied. "But tell us on the way there."

"Officer Magnezone just visited us," Chatot informed the Soldier and Eevee. "We received the prize money, 3,000 Poké, from them, so here's your share!"  
He gave them only 300 Poké while Marill went crazy over his share of 1000 Poké since he was unaffiliated with the guild.  
"Not again!" Eevee cried while the Soldier clenched his fists. "But that outlaw claimed he's been chased by all kinds of exploration teams before we caught him!"  
Chatot paused for a moment.  
"...But of course! It's all part of the training! And we expect you to work just as hard tomorrow! Hee-hee! See you at dinner!"  
"Chatot! Wait!" Eevee called as the smartass parrot started going down the ladder.  
"Yes, Eevee?"  
"Err... Err... Can I... talk to... to... you?" Eevee asked Chatot, keeping in mind the Soldier's "words of wisdom" about manning up. Little did she know that the Soldier and Marill had went AWOL after she followed Chatot down.  
"What are you afraid of?" Chatot asked, unaware that his patronizing arrogant know-it-all douchebaggery was making her uncomfortable.  
"N-Nothing... I just wanted to know if America is a real place, since the Sol- No, Squirtle, keeps bringing it up."  
"America, to my knowledge, is not a place that exists," Chatot told Eevee.  
"Then what is America then?"  
"A place created in his mind through psychosis."  
"Look on the bright side, Chatot!" the Guildmaster butted in. "America could be an undiscovered land and Squirtle must be here to barter with us!"  
A pause of silence before Eevee changed the topic.  
"Wait, actually, I just remembered! My girlfriend Jigglypuff asked me if I wanted to go on a date at dinnertime. Can I go out on that date?"  
Chatot denied her request at first, claiming apprentices weren't allowed to have dinner outside the guild, but then an argument ensued between him and the Guildmaster, who was pushing to allow the apprentice to go out on her date with Jigglypuff, namedropping her in the process for some reason. Chatot then relented, considering that the Guildmaster had the higher authority.  
Eevee was delighted at first to find out that she could go out with her girlfriend, but on her way to her date, she started feeling confused. Why was the Guildmaster acting so differently when he was arguing with Chatot? Did he really snap into reality? If only the Soldier could do the same. More importantly, how did the Guildmaster know Jigglypuff?

While Eevee pondered what she saw between the Guildmaster and Chatot, the Soldier was spending time in Marill and Azurill's home. It took at least fifteen to thirty minutes of Water Gun-jumping to find them. He also took time to find a barrel for Azurill to use as a helmet. Of course, it covered his eyes again.  
Marill proved to be very handy when it came to cooking for his ill mother. He made a warm bowl of soup for her, and the Soldier clumsily helped out, because he is clearly the best choice for helping out in the kitchen. The first attempt turned out terrible, and the Soldier was about to make a cup of instant noodles instead before Marill bribed him by telling him that there was an American version of the recipe he ruined. Truth was, it was the exact same recipe, only the Soldier now had an incentive to do it right. Marill decided to eat the ruined soup himself, predictably facing the consequences of eating improper cooking resulting from the interference of a dumbass lunatic.

"America has a bajillion amendments in its constitution, and they give basic rights to everybody, which, unfortunately, are violated by bigots and fascists!" the Soldier told the family after dinner. "It is very diverse, with many different kinds of Americans and opportunities for non-Americans to become real Americans!"  
"Are you sure that's a real place?" the bedridden Azumarill asked, partly jokingly.  
"I am not a storyteller," insisted the Soldier. "I am an American hero! Now let me tell you how America started!"  
"Go ahead, hero," Azumarill chuckled sarcastically, which the Soldier did not get.  
"Our country began with Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr and Peggy Schuyler. They fought England and asserted their dominance in order to break free of being their personal slaves and being subjected to high taxes!"  
"We then wrote the Declaration of Independence, which says... We the people of America, in order to form the perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, defend for the common providance, promote the general Welfare, and cure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterior, do retain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."  
he then continued reciting a version of the constitution that made absolutely no sense before looking at the darkening sky.  
"It is time for me to go," he told Azumarill as he left her house. "I will tell you more another day."  
"Please do come back some day. I do enjoy hearing your stories about America."  
"Rest assured, your kids will grow up strong as long as God sees potential in them! And I believe he does! Oh, and get well soon."  
Every good soldier was willing to sacrifice himself for his country. And the Soldier sacrificed his dinner for the next day.

* * *

 _Dedicated to Rick May_  
 _1940-2020_  
 _Godspeed, you magnificent bastard. Thank you so much for being the voice of our soldier!_


End file.
